the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
