I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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