just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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