This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
