Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
