I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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