my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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