You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
