We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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