Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
