Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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