So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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