he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize