I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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