Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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