I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
