apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize