In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
