I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
