I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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