I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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