I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
