Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
