I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
