Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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