Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
