i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
