Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He has the fingertips of a God
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
