i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
