nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
