my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
