The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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