Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
