meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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