Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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