My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
