probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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