I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
