I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
