Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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