my phone needs a breathalizer
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize