im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
