My friends, they love my intelligence
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
