I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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