I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
