My Higher Power is John Stamos
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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