What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
