So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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