He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
