I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
