My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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