I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
