I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
