the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
