The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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