When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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