While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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