So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
