marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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