I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
