Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
