i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
