i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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